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When tethers reach an end

7/23/2014

24 Comments

 
Before the Bean was born, I thought I knew What Kind of Parent I Would Be.

I imagined I would not be a slave, neither to nappies nor to nap times, not to toddler tantrums or brimming laundry baskets.

I resolved that there would be no snacks-cum-bribery and no electronic devices before the age of two. (Are you laughing yet?)

I pitied, with barely hidden disdain, the mothers who ventured outdoors with stains on their clothes and biscuit crumbs in their handbags - not me who would "let herself go".

I pontificated about the merits of fine motor skill activities and reading nooks, certain my child would master "playing by himself".

I determined that there would be monthly date nights with Mr P&P, during which we would discuss more worldly and important issues than the latest in washable training pants.

And worst of all,

I preached. To mothers whose children were not sitting nicely, who couldn't keep an adult conversation going for longer than 30 seconds, who'd bail on nights out. I suggested ways in which they might do better, appear calmer, remain more self-aware and less consumed.
And now I am a mother, and I am all of the opposite. Our home is at barely tolerable levels of cleanliness despite seemingly never-ending evenings spent trying to keep on top of it all. I’m not even sure where my make-up bag is, I wear the same 3 pairs of comfy pants on rotation, my shoulders are almost always smeared with something snotty. I parent in a way that I never thought imaginable, going ever-closer to Attachment Parenting practices (though, I hasten to add, I don’t hate parenting method labels any less now than I did previously) and putting the Bean’s needs above everyone else's. Even those of my husband - Mr P&P and I have been on all of 3 date nights in 18 months, and guess what we talk about? A hint: it isn’t world affairs, not even what amazing educational activity we can come up with, for without YouTube-shaped toddler entertainment we would surely die.

Well no-shit-Sherlock, the sheer banality of this should come as a surprise noone, least of all me. What right to complain do I have, really, when every parent the (Western) world over goes through the same thing.

But sometimes brick walls are hit, and the “advice” you so magnanimously bestowed on others in The Days Before comes back to bite you in the ass. Already vulnerable, already tired, already weary from weeks of living past my husband without the energy to even think about his issues lest they distract from the endless will-never-get-done lists swirling in my head, I was told How To Do it Better. By someone who meant well but doesn’t have children, who didn’t know that keeping the Bean up late and going out (OUT!) together for a drink (A DRINK!) was already a big deal as it was. 
And just like that, I reached the end of my tether. I admitted to M-Big that I was not okay, and he admitted the same back. The lack of sleep, the relentless Milanese heat, the stresses of work followed by the intensity of our toddler’s demands, the loneliness of having to plod on regardless: sometimes it is just not okay.

But never fear, because we know we’ve been here before. Last summer was the same, and my twitter feed tells me we’re not the only ones who long for this school year to end. Who’d have thought this would apply to tiny toddlers, but there you go.

In a few days we’ll go to stay with the grandparents, get some rest, be fed. It will all be okay. I will remember with my head as well as my heart that we are very, very fortunate to have each other. I will realise once more that the best way to parent is, indeed, to let the toddler in your bed at 3am if it feels right. I will stop caring, just a little, that the current version of me is not immaculately groomed but perpetually late, creased, baggy-eyed and always on the look-out for a sleepy toddler cuddle. 
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24 Comments
The DADventurer (Dave) link
7/23/2014 02:56:36 am

Nice post. I too am guilty of thinking that I know the type of parent I'm going to be - our first is due next month - and looking at other people's kids and saying "ours aren't going to be like that". Still, I think it's important to think these things through in theory, even if you do change your mind in practice :)

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:16:52 pm

Ha yes, good point - you can always change your mind!
I don't actually think there's anything wrong with going through the "ours aren't going to be like that" stage, especially if it helps you to work out what behaviours you do and don't want to demonstrate to your kids. It just so happens that they often have ideas of their own about these things ;-)

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Iona@ Redpeffer link
7/23/2014 03:02:08 am

Yes, often it's just a break that's needed to recharge. I know I feel like this towards the end of every term-like everything is such hard work!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:18:22 pm

Exactly, it's not as though there is anything seriously wrong or hard or different from normal, but the every day things seem to require more energy than I currently have! But yes, a recharge will fix it, luckily.

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Emma T link
7/23/2014 03:20:51 am

It's strange as I didn't really think about children and what it would be like with them. I just got on with it and haven't really panicked or worried what others think.

My only thing is how different it is with my husband. When I was on mat leave he would help out with N, feeding him (but not nappies), but now I'm back at work, he does nothing, or moans when work or something means he'll have to do the nursery pick up. Oh and date night - what's that? 3 1/2 years and apart from family BBQs and going to friends' for afternoon dos, we've only been out as a family to a farm show (once). He doesn't do family things or holidays which is just plain odd, and certainly not what I expected.

So it's a lot of adjustment for everyone having children, and so hard to know beforehand what you'll be like.

Hope you get some relaxation over the summer.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:22:47 pm

Do you know, I actually expected that I WOULDN'T be the kind of person who worried about what others thought, but it turns out that I am. As you say, it's impossible to know beforehand how you'll be. It must be hard to find your partner isn't reacting in the way you expected to though.

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Caroline Hooper link
7/23/2014 06:20:01 am

It's a trying time! What I can say is that it gets easier and before you know it those worries are in the past. Date nights are a great idea, we don't have one as we don't have family near but would jump at the chance if they lived nearer! #sharewithme

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:24:15 pm

Likewise, if we had family nearby I'm sure we'd go out more often too! It's just that I thought I would find a babysitter instead, but it certainly hasn't worked out that way...

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Potty Mouthed Mummy link
7/23/2014 06:52:37 am

I must admit I was quite similar, I was a bit judgey pre-child and have had to bit back some of those statements. But we all learn.

We all do what we can to get by xx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:28:49 pm

Yep, we learn, and on a very steep curve at that!

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Sarah link
7/23/2014 04:52:05 pm

I think it's almost impossible not to have ideas of what kind of parents we'll be...but then we just have to do whatever works for us. (And I never dreamed I would have so many discussions with my husband about the merits of different cloth nappies - and he even pretends to be interested sometimes!!)

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:30:23 pm

Haha, same here! I may or may not have made a spreadsheet to compare the different nappies I had my eye on, and then made him sit through an explanation of it...

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ghostwritermummy link
7/24/2014 10:09:35 am

We're expecting our 4th baby and just found out that my little sister is pregnant with her first. Straight away my husband told me not to give her any advice. When I asked why, he told me that he'd hated that about our first pregnancy, all the advice we were given, and warnings about this and that. He said he wants my sister to start afresh and learn for herself and I think he's right. Too many people want to give you advice and tell you whats what when its way more fun discovering it for yourself. But your post did make me laugh- I don't think there are many of us who stick to our non-child ideals!! x x x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:34:25 pm

Your husband made a very good point, I think. There have been moments when I've thought "why did nobody warn me about this bit?!", but overall I'd have preferred it if people had just let us get on with it. You know that the advice and warnings are always well intended, but at the end of the day you are the only one who know yourself and your own family. These days I try very hard to bite my tongue when I meet new or about-to-be new parents!

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Carie link
7/24/2014 03:26:27 pm

Oh that sounds like you've been having a tough run of it - hopefully the nice cool days and the parental pampering isn't too far away now!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:35:33 pm

Thank you Carie! We've since arrived in the UK and though it's surprisingly warm here too, the pampering is second to none ;-)

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Jenny link
7/25/2014 04:09:50 pm

I love this and you couldn't be more right and I think you sound like you are doing the best job possible and your way which is how it should be. I am the complete opposite parent as I thought I would be before I had kids. Funny how experience changes it all isn't it? I think it happens with everyone though because we won't know until we know. Thank for linking up to Share With Me I am so sorry I haven't commented until now I had no power for two days. Catching up now. #sharewithme

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/26/2014 12:52:35 pm

Thank you so much for your lovely comment, and don't worry about it being a tiny bit later than usual! It's amazing you find time at all to comment on all the posts that link up. It's been such a good one this week :-)

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Sara (@mumturnedmom) link
7/26/2014 09:20:55 pm

I have to admit, I also said 'I won't do that...' and of course, now I do! It's tough and relentless sometimes, but I have found that I am far more resilient than I would have expected. Hope the summer brings you some down time and a break x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/1/2014 03:06:31 pm

Thanks Sara, we're on our holidays now and feeling much better and more relaxed. And yes, you're right: the silver lining is that you find out you're made of tougher stuff than you thought. x

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Daniel Hiller
7/28/2014 04:04:36 am

Another great posting from a talented writer. You really should send some of your stuff to the papers (the quality English broadsheets) as I reckon you'd get published, if not get your own column!
Good luck with the Bean and the only other comment from me today is that it's much easier being a grandparent than a parent...

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/1/2014 03:08:13 pm

I'm certain there are many more talented writers out there than me, but I very much appreciate the compliment.
As for being a grandparent... Judging by how much the Bean's grandparents love to spoil him rotten, I can only assume that what you say is true ;-)

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Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely link
7/30/2014 02:49:48 pm

It's super hard to second guess what kind of parent you're going to be. I thought I might be quite a fun one as I'm pretty relaxed. Turns out I'm quite strict and like structure. Hope you get a little bit of respite ... I'm found things were doubly hard when we lived abroad. Not only are you tired and coping with a new situation but you have to do it all in another language and unfamiliar surroundings. It wears you out and down. Rest is really important ... but so hard to come by.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/1/2014 03:11:42 pm

I think that I now feel fairly comfortable with the language and the surroundings, but the problem is still the solitude. Not having family or close friends nearby when things get too much is very hard, and very relentless. As you say, it wears you down. I don't really get a rest until we go back home for a visit. Which is where we are now, so I am making the most of it!

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