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When successful breastfeeding is not just a matter of "technique" or "practice"

8/7/2014

17 Comments

 
I don’t talk much about my experience of breastfeeding the Bean. I try not to think about it either, if I’m honest. It wasn’t a very positive experience, one I prefer not to dwell on.

However, this week is World Breastfeeding Week. By coincidence, I’ve also just spent a couple of days in the company of my friends back home, and their newborn babies. It’s brought back many memories of M as a newborn, including of him nursing. So perhaps this is a good opportunity to revisit my breastfeeding experience, a little for myself, but also in case other mums out there reading this find reassure, advice, a common ground. In case it helps them come to the realisation that, if breastfeeding is hard, or they don’t like it, or they find themselves reaching for formula, it doesn’t make them a bad mummy.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that this is NOT an anti-breastfeeding post. Rather, this is an 

anti-oversimplifying-breastfeeding kinda post. A can-we-please-stop-putting-all-the-onus-on-mums post.

In a textbook situation, successful breastfeeding is supposed to go a little like this: mum has baby, baby gets a belly-full of precious colostrum in that magical first hour, then 2-3 days later mum’s milk comes in, they both flap a bit, but with some guidance for the nurses or health visitors they get the hang of the “technique”. Still having trouble? It just takes “practice”.

Or not. Since when is anything about parenting textbook, anyway?! There are so many things that can make breastfeeding much, much harder: mum being very ill from a traumatic labour, baby having tongue-tie. Or baby having reflux.

The Bean was a reflux baby. He’d feed and, despite my best efforts to prevent it, vomit most of it back up again within 60-90 minutes. And then he’d be starving again, less than two hours after I’d last fed him. He’d cry for hours because of the discomfort reflux brings with it, and often he could only fall asleep if I was massaging his poor belly.

Unfortunately for us, he was never diagnosed. I paid visit after visit to the paediatrician, but as he never had issues gaining weight the response was always either “it’s colic” or “you’re doing it wrong”. Wrong. My let-down was too fast so he was gulping in air. I was feeding him too much foremilk. I’d encouraged him to purse his lips, so he was gulping in more air. I was feeding him too often. I needed to “practice” and improve my “technique”.

It was soul-destroying. I felt like I was permanently either breastfeeding or rocking a screaming baby. Never sleeping. I started letting Mr P&P give him bottles of expressed milk, and then formula, to take off the pressure. 

The Bean loved the bottles. Why wouldn’t he? He got the milk, lots of it, and fast. He got cuddles from whoever was feeding him. He started to dislike breastfeeding too, fussing and crying every time. At six months we switched to formula completely, and I never got the impression he missed it. At about seven months he outgrew his reflux. And that was that. Hardly textbook, is it.

I’m aware that my breastfeeding issues were not just about breastfeeding. In failing to diagnose the Bean’s reflux, and help us to manage it, the doctors failed us. However, I do think that this failure of theirs is part of a larger problem: successful breastfeeding does not just depend on the mum.

Instead, successful breastfeeding depends on all sorts of things: positive involvement from the medical profession, access to breastfeeding counsellors, wider support for parents with newborn babies. I hope that, if there is anything World Breastfeeding Week achieves, it's these things. And I know I'm not alone in thinking this.

I felt negative about my breastfeeding experience for a long time. I’d feel pangs of regret and guilt every time I saw anything that promoted breastfeeding: I’d failed at that bit.

Of course, I didn’t fail. I did the best I could, which was certainly good enough. So really, when I think back to that period now, all I want to take away from it is:

a) Living with reflux is sh*t, so stamp your foot until you get the help you need. And if you can’t, and it all goes pear-shaped, it’s not your fault.

b) The Bean got fed. He loved (loves!) his milk. As this post-feed photo attests to.
I don’t even remember whether he’d had a bottle of expressed milk or formula, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?
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And perhaps also:

c) The word ‘colic’ should be banned from the dictionary of every medical professional out there...

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17 Comments
Caroline (Becoming a SAHM) link
8/7/2014 01:04:32 pm

Fab post and I think the more of us who are honest about our experiences and say yes, it is hard, the better for new mums. We really struggled too and I felt like such a failure for not being able to do it. We did get there in the end but it was hard and I am definitely going to try and out less pressure on myself next time round!! Xx #brilliantblogposts (I shared my journey here, if you fancy a read: http://becomingastayathomemum.com/breastfeeding-journey-monkey/ )

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/10/2014 07:37:14 am

It's just dreadful when you feel like you've failed your baby, isn't it... Glad to hear you got there though, and thank you for sharing your link. Am going to have a read now! x

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Katie Haydock link
8/7/2014 03:22:23 pm

Oh agreed! Sometimes doctors are so into their day job they forget that you are mummy and that you send every waking hour with your baby, and KNOW when there is something wrong.
Well done for manage six months of breast feeding xx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/11/2014 08:30:41 am

Thank you so much for your lovely comment. Even though I knew his conditions could have been much worse, it was awful to be made to feel like I was a useless new mummy who knew nothing at all. As you say, mums do sometimes just KNOW. x

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Carie link
8/7/2014 04:03:38 pm

Oh I love the picture - that's the perfect expression of milk drunk isn't it! I'm sorry you had such a rough time of it, that must have been really tough and I'm glad you found a way to make it work.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/11/2014 08:31:51 am

I do love that photo too - a good memory from a rather tricky time!

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Sarah link
8/8/2014 05:03:36 am

I can completely relate to this post - I combination fed Toby for about 6 weeks (a midwife advised us to give formula top ups when he was 3 days old and we never managed to stop them) but he never seemed satisfied after just a feed from the breast so eventually it was easier just to switch to formula completely. Not long after I stopped breastfeeding Toby was diagnosed with reflux, which luckily we got treatment for - I don't know how you coped without any treatment, it must have been horrendous for all of you. I also found out when he was about 10 months old that he has quite severe upper lip tie which probably was affecting his latch but no-one checked for it at the time. I felt very sad for a long time that I wasn't able to breastfeed Toby for longer and I felt like had had failed too. But now I try to remember that there were lots of things out of my control, we did the best we could and at the end of the day Toby is a very happy and healthy one year old and that's the most important thing.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/11/2014 08:35:03 am

Oh Sarah, I though about you when I wrote this, as I'd read your posts on Toby's reflux. You didn't fail at all. Like us, you just worked with what you had and it wasn't your fault the professionals failed to do their job properly.

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Cathy link
8/10/2014 05:24:46 am

I found this a bit emotional reading. My first daughter had reflux and like you, I could not get HV's or doctors to take me seriously. 'Oh it's just colic….all babies cry….she's gaining weight, she's FINE.' They also talked a lot about sleep and ways to get her to sleep, which was not the problem, but every time I said 'crying' they heard 'sleep'.

With hindsight I really, really wish I had continued to make a fuss and demand a second, third or fourth opinion. Unfortunately as a new mum of a first baby who was in every other way 'thriving' and slept pretty well, I ended up feeling like I was being neurotic and 'precious'. There was a definite sense also of 'she sleeps, what are you so worried about, think of the mums of babies who are demented with sleep deprivation and you're making all this fuss over a bit of crying?!'

I recall at four months sitting in baby clinic saying to the HV 'She's just so unhappy, she cries so much, how can I help her' and the HV ACTUALLY ROLLED HER EYES at me and said 'She's fine. She's gaining weight. She sleeps. SHE. IS. HAPPY.'

Like I was an idiot who didn't know my own baby.

I chose not to use formula and continued to breastfeed, the reflux cleared up at about five months when she began eating solid foods. I feel deep guilt that I 'let' her suffer with it but also quite angry that there isn't more support around reflux, for those who want to breastfeed and for those who choose not to. I'm currently training as a breastfeeding mother supporter and now understand a great deal more about reflux and know that there are ways to help a breastfed baby that don't involve switching to formula or weaning to solids early, but that was information I didn't know existed at the time and I wish it was more freely available.

I wish HV's would look up from the weight charts and look at the baby. I wish I'd trusted myself and trusted my baby more rather than believing the HV who believed those infernal weight charts.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/11/2014 08:41:19 am

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had such an awful time as well. The way your HVs treated you sounds horribly familiar - there was a point when I also felt "precious", as well as horrendously sad and insecure. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't enjoying having a newborn baby when everyone else was telling me to "make the most" of this time. Now I know of course that none of it was my fault at all!

I think it's incredible that you're using your experience to help other mums. It's hard to not feel sad and angry about what happened to our babies, but at least you might be able to stop another new, insecure mum from going through what we did!

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Honest Mum link
8/10/2014 03:22:31 pm

You are so right, honesty is always best-the good with the bad because feeling alone and struggling is the pits. With support, breastfeeding can work well but not for everyone, I'm sick of the pressure so many feel to, it's unfair. You had such a tough time and with little support. My eldest had colic and it was an utter nightmare. Fab post. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
8/11/2014 08:43:42 am

Sorry to hear your eldest had colic, that's awful - especially when you're a first-time mum. Although I'm convinced that none of these things would be as bad if there were more support and more consistent advice from the professionals!

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Yvette link
8/11/2014 11:08:30 am

Brilliant post! I completely agree that there is so much pressure to BF, and often a complete denial of all the many, many obstacles to it. My son had reflux too, I really sympathise. It is awful to deal with an horrible to see them in discomfort or pain, and being sick so much. One GP told me that it didn't really matter about the vomiting as he wouldn't remember it!!!

I think it's really important to speak the truth about feeding, and you are absolutely right about the gorgeous pic of your LO, it doesn't matter how they are fed - just that they are fed :) #binkylinky

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Heather Carmichael link
8/11/2014 12:34:53 pm

What a lovely honest account. It rang a lot of bells, having baby number two on the go and finding breastfeeding to be a joy. He does get a bit windy and has a spell of developmental "purple crying" in the evenings but unlike his older brother, he doesn't scream at the breast and isn't in agony any time he is on his back. I got told many of the same things you did by health visitors with number one son but realise with the benefit of hindsight that he had silent reflux.

Until four or five months with Sam, I regarded breastfeeding as a chore and swore that every day was the last. I hung in there until 9 months but tell everyone who asks that feeding has to be right for mum as well as baby!

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Emily link
8/11/2014 04:31:15 pm

I struggled to breastfeed my twins s they were premature. I was lucky that I had a lot of support from a lovely breastfeeding support lady as well as special care nurses, but sadly it wasn't meant to be. I think it's so important for us all to be honest about our experiences. Thanks for linking up to the #binkylinky

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BakedPotato Mummy link
8/13/2014 11:37:01 am

Great post. I wrote a very similar post a few months ago. We really struggled with breastfeeding Potato too and from the start we had to combi-feed. I felt awful about it at first, but then realised that Potato was happy and healthy, and that was all that mattered. Combi-feeding worked for us. It was the best of both worlds :)
Thanks for linking up with #BinkyLinky

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Jessica link
8/18/2014 09:34:27 am

Great comments. It took 3 months for my daughter to be diagnosed with re-flux and I was given many negative comments from the health worker because I was topping her up with formula even though i was also express trying to get my milk flow up but I was not producing enough milk. I was also told time and time again that mummy's milk is best.

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