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What makes home home?

5/18/2015

23 Comments

 
The morning after the night before: sitting at MY table in MY living room looking at MY stunning view of the Alps behind MY Milan, rain-drenched as it was, the day after coming back from our reconnaisance trip to Sweden. The first morning back at home.
View of the Alps, as seen from Milan | Photo by Pasta & Patchwork
Except that technically, it isn’t home. The flat is rented and most of the furniture in it isn’t ours either, we’ve only been in Milan for 4 years, don’t have any family in Italy at all. But it was undeniable: in my post-travel daze I felt warm and fuzzy, comfortable and content, here. Which is funny, because although I feel like we’ve come a long way, settling in here wasn’t easy and I still have plenty of negative things to say about this city.

In any case, soon here will be there. In 3 months or so we will move to Sweden and start all over again. Start again how? What makes home home? How do you feel at home in a country that isn’t yours? That morning after the night before got us thinking.

Perhaps home is the place in which you know your way around without really having to think about it. Where to go for the everyday basics, where buying a stamp doesn’t seem like a herculean task, where you know which tram gets you from A to B fastest.

It’s also the place about which you know a few little secrets. Knowledge of the locals, if you like, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you belong. Where to get the creamiest burrata or the richest hot chocolate. When to climb to the top of the Duomo to get the best sunset. What the trick is to getting a few extra strawberries lobbed into your shopping bag at the market.
Milan sunset, as seen from the Duomo | Photo by Pasta & Patchwork
Home is where there is routine. There is chaos in the morning and stillness during the day and chaos again at night, but I know when the chaos and stillness occur. I feel like I know what will come tomorrow, and the day after, and it is comforting and normal.

It’s where bureaucratic palaver is still irritating but no longer terrifying. It can be tackled without help but with much swearing - in the local language, of course.

Home is the place of adopted habits, though without being able to pinpoint when or how this became so. When did I start thinking post-lunch macchiato was essential to my survival, and HOW did I become one of those people who interrupts others mid-spiel?

It’s where you’ve made memories, though you might not have realised that at the time either. Our first Italian Christmas, the grubby little playground around the corner where the Bean’s bum is practically imprinted on the slide, we go there so often. So often without giving it a thought at the time, but I’m certain I’ll remember that slide, those benches, the daisies he picked for me in that playground, long after we’ve left.
Toddler picking daisies | Photo by Pasta & Patchwork
So very soon here will become there, and we have to start all over again. There are moments when the thought fills me with fear, but then I remind myself: we have made a strange place home before. We can do it again. 

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23 Comments
Carie link
5/18/2015 03:10:06 pm

I garea up shuttling between two houses (my father taught at a boarding school do I sort of went to boarding school with my parents!) and we always said home was wherever the family was, and I think you can have lots of places that will always feel like home even when you've moved on!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/22/2015 04:30:12 am

You're absolutely right, and I think I'm quite fortunate in this respect; although I do of course get homesick in that I miss my family, there are many places around the world where I would still feel perfectly at home.

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Clara link
5/19/2015 09:24:08 am

I know exactly how you feel. A place becomes "home" gradually, it creeps up on you, It is definitely something to do with familiarity, comfort, routine. We too have this here in the UK - I know what will happen in the mornings, I run on a Sunday, we buy the Times on Saturday to read after lunch with coffee....we'll have to start all over again and gradually build up new routines when we move. It'll happen but I'm not sure when it will feel like home. However, as you have found, you know it IS home when you return from somewhere new and it just feels....right.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/22/2015 04:32:33 am

That's exactly it - it feels "right" even though you can't necessarily put your finger on why. I have no idea either how long it'll take for Sweden to feel like home, but I'm quietly confident that it will eventually.

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Meghan Fenn link
5/22/2015 09:36:34 am

Good luck with your move to Sweden. How exciting! But I know what you mean about home. Britain is my home now even though it's not my home home, but I guess it is my home now because it's where my children are and where we have a routine, we also have bricks and mortar here and we don't anywhere else, even in my native 'home'. This is definitely the place where we've made memories for us as a family. But I still have so many memories from 'home' that I want my children to know and understand. I wish you well on your next adventure!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/11/2015 02:19:44 am

I think having children and the routines associated with them really does a lot to tie you to a specific place, even if it's not "home home". I know what you mean though - making sure that your kids have a shared sense of identity and belonging with you to the place you grew up in yourself feels important too! I'm not sure how to achieve that as I moved around a lot myself as a child, but it's definitely on my mind.

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Emma Raphael link
6/10/2015 03:07:59 pm

Hello! Just wanted to let you know that I included this post in this month's Expat Round up over at BritMums! Emma (:

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/11/2015 02:22:15 am

Thank you so much Emma!

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Erin link
6/11/2015 02:24:42 am

Great post. I can completely relate - we've only been in Denmark for 7 months and after a return from London, I was glad to be "home." I would definitely miss the views of those mountains! Curious how recce visit to Sweden went? I will be interested in your compare and contrast between the Italian and Scandinavian lifestyles. Good luck with all the details required for the transition. Cheers from Denmark!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:12:30 am

I am absolutely going to miss my mountain view, but I'm hoping there will be lots of beautiful things for us to look at in Sweden too. That's certainly the impression I had when we visited - beautiful rural landscapes abound, which we don't have now!

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Phoebe @ Lou Messugo link
6/11/2015 03:02:34 am

Being someone with out a "home home" I can relate to all these points and would add that home really is where I lay my hat. It's where my immediate family (children and husband not parents) are now, but when I was young and single it was where I lived no matter where that was. I didn't have any other option. I do like you points about knowing the insider secrets and swearing in the local language (which is sot of the topic of the post I've linked up today to #myexpatfamily). It's very exciting to be on the move again (I think!) and I wish you loads of luck settling in to your new life in Sweden. Shame we never got to meet while you were (relatively) so close.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:14:59 am

I completely agree with you - home now is where I lay my hat and that, by definition, is where my son and husband are too! I'm looking forward to creating a new home for ourselves in Sweden, although it is very daunting too. Thank you for your kind wishes and, yes, it's a shame we never got to meet here.

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Clara Wiggins link
6/11/2015 03:14:47 am

That's so funny, I remember reading this post when you originally wrote it (as you can see, I also commented on it!), and I think it started a thought process in my head that led to my own post about "home" which I have just posted to the #myexpatfamily link-up :) I guess knowing you are moving, as we both are, leads you to ponder on the idea of "home" a lot!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:17:16 am

As you pointed out on your post, both moving as well as the usual comings and goings of the summer holidays do make you think about "home"! It's sort of a survival mechanism to me - reminding myself of what we managed to create here, however intangible and impermanent, helps me to convince myself we'll be find in the new place too.

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Seychellesmama link
6/11/2015 04:30:16 am

I'm not really sure why, but this post has brought me to tears!! Not in a bad way of course!! It's just lovely! I think you have described my exact thoughts on what home is, maybe that's why!?
It kind of sneaks up on you doesn't it, and it's not until something big happens that you realise that this new place isn't new any more it's your home!!
It's interesting reading this today because when I woke up this morning I had a real 'this is home' feeling about this house!!
Eline, as alway thanks for linking up for #myexpatfamily xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:18:43 am

Oh no, I didn't mean to make anyone cry! It's so nice to hear that you love your house, especially as you only moved there recently. It'll be a fantastic home to bring your new baby back to xxx

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MOMM link
6/11/2015 04:45:17 am

A thought provoking read! Its funny how an unknown place can suddenly become Home when you have to move, and I can relate as I have gone through it twice before. Sooner or later, Sweden will be your home too. Best of luck! #myexpatfamily

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:21:28 am

Having to leave certainly makes you see things in a different light! Thanks for the kind wishes.

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Ersatz Expat link
6/11/2015 12:14:41 pm

Funnily enough I was writing a similar pot from a different perspective. Looking back on one year after a big move. It gets easier! Good luck with the move, enjoy Sweden and love your memories of Italy!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:23:33 am

I love the point you make about loving my memories of Italy. In the last couple of months I've almost wanted to physically bottle them so as to better keep them with me. Having been through major changes like this before I do know it gets easier, in any case, but thank you for the reminder :-)

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Maria (Trilingual Mama) link
6/15/2015 09:11:13 am

Lovely photos! Thanks for sharing!

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Sara | mumturnedmom link
6/15/2015 10:16:25 am

This is a wonderful post, it sums up so many feelings about what home means. For me, moving overseas made me realise that home is where my husband and kids are, but our new 'home' also became home without me really noticing. It is the little things, school runs and grocery shopping and knowing where things are and the best places to go x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/17/2015 04:25:46 am

Moving overseas has definitely made my husband and I, and then the three of us, a much closer unit. That in itself isn't always without problems (how I would love to have grandparents on hand to help more often!) but that combined with everyday routines really does help to consolidate your sense of "home" and belonging, I think.

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