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Toddler Wobbles

6/17/2015

7 Comments

 
... and Mama Wobbles too, if I'm being completely honest.

In just over 48 hours I'll be on a plane to the UK. By myself, for a 4-day work trip. It'll be the first time since the Bean was 4 months old that I'll have left him for longer than 24 hours, and even that has only happened once in that time.

We are both wobblier than a plate full of pink grapefruit jelly at the prospect.

It's been simmering for a couple of weeks. Mildly quivering. Lots of middle-of-the-night feet pitter-pattering over to my side of the bed, but during the day many a "NO" with extra vehemence to what I thought were reasonable propositions. Then last Sunday this happened at 3 in the afternoon, and it's all gone total jelly since then.
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It's not that I don't want to go. I do - I'm giving a presentation at a prestigious conference, so it's a fantastic opportunity. The conference is in York, a beautiful city I haven't been to since 2002. I'll get to meet new colleagues and catch up with old ones, a rare treat when you consider my work life normally consists of me + tea + twitter. And three (THREE!) uninterrupted, SOLO nights sleep in a fancy hotel? Hell yes.

But the boy. My Bean, my little one who seems grow up faster with every week that goes by. He's wobbling so badly and I'm filled with anxiety along with him. For him. For every parenting decision that I've ever made (because there is nothing like a little anxiety to make you a little dramatic, too).

We decided to tell him in advance that I was going to York - Mama goin' in Yawk, as he pronounces it - because we didn't think it was fair to spring it on him. Just like we didn't think it was fair to hide the fact that we are leaving Italy and moving to Sweden soon, either. So there is a big calendar up in the living room, packed with all the fun stuff like a trip to the French Riviera and Oma coming to visit, and that shitty thing of Mama goin in Yawk, too.
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We thought it would be best to give him time to get used to the idea, to express his anxiety and to allow room for conversation and reassurance. But now that he is expressing his anxiety in a most vocal, physical, heartbreaking way I am wondering whether we should have just told him on the morning of my departure. I am wondering whether I am being selfish, putting my work first. I am wondering whether I am a terrible mother for sending him in to nursery with his tears and fears today, and tomorrow, and the day after. I am wondering whether we have created this monstrous anxiety ourselves, by deciding to live abroad and away from most of the people who love him the very best and give him just the two of us. I am wondering whether I've failed my husband (I told you the anxiety came with drama), as I see him sitting there over-tired and alienated but still wanting to help. And not able to because the Bean won't let him.

In my head, my rational heart-of-hearts, I know none of this is worth wondering about. I stand by our point of view that it's right to include him in all our plans, even if he doesn't necessarily have a say in them. I also know that I need my work, my time to be alone and to do the things that make me me, to then be a better mother when he is with me. Not that our bank account would hear otherwise, in any case.  Likewise for living abroad - we are following opportunity in the hope of a good life, as good for him in the long term as it is for Mr P&P and I now. For us as a family of three, which does of course include Mr P&P despite the Bean's current protestations, his assertions spoken and implied that only Mama matters. Mama who is goin in Yawk. I know that they will both be fine, while I'm off in Yawk.

But still. The wobbling. It's coming with lots and lots of extra cuddles, but it's hard.
I know our toddler isn't the only one to wobble lately - both Sarah and Hannah have written about the very same thing - but if you have any tips or just reassurances that it'll be alright, I would dearly love to hear from you.

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7 Comments
Sarah link
6/17/2015 07:04:18 am

Oh bless you both! It's so hard isn't it? I think both our boys are struggling with big changes in their lives at the moment - what with your move and our imminent new arrival. Toby has settled back down again lately though, thank goodness. I haven't left him overnight since January though and then he wasn't really old enough to understand any explanation that I was going for a few days. We also have the struggle that a lot of the time only I will do - especially at bedtime and during the night. Having said that, if I'm not there at all he goes to bed fine with his daddy and I bet the Bean will be the same. I don't really have any advice, just big hugs and as hard as it is try and make the most of your time away.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/23/2015 06:35:49 am

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Sarah. You were absolutely right - I'm back now and the Bean was absolutely fine with his Daddy, all weekend! Good as gold, apparently, which is very reassuring to know. x

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Keri link
6/17/2015 08:33:18 am

Just like you, I am going on my first work trip in many years this weekend, and only the second time I have left my hubby "in charge" with 3 kids - this will be the longest for 5 nights; I know from my last experience there are moments when it is heart breaking, but so many more moments once you hit the ground where it is truly exhilarating and you start to feel like you are a real, independent human being again.

Best of luck with it, its ok to cry and miss them but I don't think you will regret it. We have gone with the talking about it and open approach rather than springing it on them last minute and so far so good they all seem to understand "mums going on a work trip just like dad".

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/23/2015 06:38:04 am

Thank you for the reassurance, Keri. You were spot-on - there were times when I missed him so much it hurt but it did also feel really good to be doing something for myself. I got a huge amount out of the weekend I the boys were, of course, fine too.

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Hannah | Make, Do & Push!
6/18/2015 02:08:27 am

Oh gosh! As you know we've been going through a similar anxious, guilty time here - all I can say is (and we're not quite through the other side yet, but we're definitely on our way) that it will get better... Try not to feel too guilty being away in "Yawk" and use the time for good rather than worrying too much about Bean - he'll be fine after the tears have been shed and he's entertained doing something :) Enjoy the rest, the sleep and most importantly, the hot tea. xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
6/23/2015 06:41:50 am

Thank you for your comment, lovely. I'm back now and all was fine, of course. Daddy did a stellar job of keeping him entertained and distracted for the whole weekend! He's a bit contrary now that I'm back, but that's to be expected. Hope you and B find a way through this soon too xxx

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Karen @ TalesofaTwinMum link
7/7/2015 04:24:23 am

Oh you poor thing. I think we worry about things way more than they tend to. Although the goodbye part will be hard, little ones just carry on and I'm sure you'll both end up having a great time doing your own things. I'm going away to the ProBlogger conference for three nights in August and it's the first time I've left the kids that long before so I totally get where you're coming from. Try to enjoy the break and look forward to how exciting it's going to be to see each other when you get back home again. xx PS I hope the move plans are all coming on nicely. xx

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