... and Mama Wobbles too, if I'm being completely honest.
In just over 48 hours I'll be on a plane to the UK. By myself, for a 4-day work trip. It'll be the first time since the Bean was 4 months old that I'll have left him for longer than 24 hours, and even that has only happened once in that time.
We are both wobblier than a plate full of pink grapefruit jelly at the prospect.
It's been simmering for a couple of weeks. Mildly quivering. Lots of middle-of-the-night feet pitter-pattering over to my side of the bed, but during the day many a "NO" with extra vehemence to what I thought were reasonable propositions. Then last Sunday this happened at 3 in the afternoon, and it's all gone total jelly since then.
In just over 48 hours I'll be on a plane to the UK. By myself, for a 4-day work trip. It'll be the first time since the Bean was 4 months old that I'll have left him for longer than 24 hours, and even that has only happened once in that time.
We are both wobblier than a plate full of pink grapefruit jelly at the prospect.
It's been simmering for a couple of weeks. Mildly quivering. Lots of middle-of-the-night feet pitter-pattering over to my side of the bed, but during the day many a "NO" with extra vehemence to what I thought were reasonable propositions. Then last Sunday this happened at 3 in the afternoon, and it's all gone total jelly since then.
It's not that I don't want to go. I do - I'm giving a presentation at a prestigious conference, so it's a fantastic opportunity. The conference is in York, a beautiful city I haven't been to since 2002. I'll get to meet new colleagues and catch up with old ones, a rare treat when you consider my work life normally consists of me + tea + twitter. And three (THREE!) uninterrupted, SOLO nights sleep in a fancy hotel? Hell yes.
But the boy. My Bean, my little one who seems grow up faster with every week that goes by. He's wobbling so badly and I'm filled with anxiety along with him. For him. For every parenting decision that I've ever made (because there is nothing like a little anxiety to make you a little dramatic, too).
We decided to tell him in advance that I was going to York - Mama goin' in Yawk, as he pronounces it - because we didn't think it was fair to spring it on him. Just like we didn't think it was fair to hide the fact that we are leaving Italy and moving to Sweden soon, either. So there is a big calendar up in the living room, packed with all the fun stuff like a trip to the French Riviera and Oma coming to visit, and that shitty thing of Mama goin in Yawk, too.
But the boy. My Bean, my little one who seems grow up faster with every week that goes by. He's wobbling so badly and I'm filled with anxiety along with him. For him. For every parenting decision that I've ever made (because there is nothing like a little anxiety to make you a little dramatic, too).
We decided to tell him in advance that I was going to York - Mama goin' in Yawk, as he pronounces it - because we didn't think it was fair to spring it on him. Just like we didn't think it was fair to hide the fact that we are leaving Italy and moving to Sweden soon, either. So there is a big calendar up in the living room, packed with all the fun stuff like a trip to the French Riviera and Oma coming to visit, and that shitty thing of Mama goin in Yawk, too.
We thought it would be best to give him time to get used to the idea, to express his anxiety and to allow room for conversation and reassurance. But now that he is expressing his anxiety in a most vocal, physical, heartbreaking way I am wondering whether we should have just told him on the morning of my departure. I am wondering whether I am being selfish, putting my work first. I am wondering whether I am a terrible mother for sending him in to nursery with his tears and fears today, and tomorrow, and the day after. I am wondering whether we have created this monstrous anxiety ourselves, by deciding to live abroad and away from most of the people who love him the very best and give him just the two of us. I am wondering whether I've failed my husband (I told you the anxiety came with drama), as I see him sitting there over-tired and alienated but still wanting to help. And not able to because the Bean won't let him.
In my head, my rational heart-of-hearts, I know none of this is worth wondering about. I stand by our point of view that it's right to include him in all our plans, even if he doesn't necessarily have a say in them. I also know that I need my work, my time to be alone and to do the things that make me me, to then be a better mother when he is with me. Not that our bank account would hear otherwise, in any case. Likewise for living abroad - we are following opportunity in the hope of a good life, as good for him in the long term as it is for Mr P&P and I now. For us as a family of three, which does of course include Mr P&P despite the Bean's current protestations, his assertions spoken and implied that only Mama matters. Mama who is goin in Yawk. I know that they will both be fine, while I'm off in Yawk.
But still. The wobbling. It's coming with lots and lots of extra cuddles, but it's hard.
In my head, my rational heart-of-hearts, I know none of this is worth wondering about. I stand by our point of view that it's right to include him in all our plans, even if he doesn't necessarily have a say in them. I also know that I need my work, my time to be alone and to do the things that make me me, to then be a better mother when he is with me. Not that our bank account would hear otherwise, in any case. Likewise for living abroad - we are following opportunity in the hope of a good life, as good for him in the long term as it is for Mr P&P and I now. For us as a family of three, which does of course include Mr P&P despite the Bean's current protestations, his assertions spoken and implied that only Mama matters. Mama who is goin in Yawk. I know that they will both be fine, while I'm off in Yawk.
But still. The wobbling. It's coming with lots and lots of extra cuddles, but it's hard.
I know our toddler isn't the only one to wobble lately - both Sarah and Hannah have written about the very same thing - but if you have any tips or just reassurances that it'll be alright, I would dearly love to hear from you.
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