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The executive is making a decision

5/21/2014

20 Comments

 
and that is: I’m going to be keeping M-Little at home with me one day a week from now on. Because I can do these things. As a freelancer I wear many hats at once: linguistic “expert”, accountant, marketing guru, human resources manager, Chief Maker-of-the-Tea. And Executive who determines the work schedules.

Perhaps also Psychologist-in-Residence, who has noticed that motivation is flagging, enthusiasm sorely lacking. It surprises me, this. I have always been very ambitious. I have never just ‘worked’. I don’t just go to conferences, I speak at them and to hell with the fact I don’t look old and wise enough to do so. I network and shmooze and brainstorm and love it all.

Until now. I just don’t have the time or energy to do anything other than simply work, to do the bare minimum to keep my clients happy. It is so unsatisfying, says the perfectionist in me. I could solve this by going into full career-girl mode again, and leaving the Bean at nursery from 8 AM until 6PM every day. The parent in me really, really doesn’t want to do that though. In fact, I’m going the other way.

Quitting work completely is not even close to being an option, but maybe it’s okay to christen this as a Period of Ticking Along rather than always going full pelt. Maybe it’s better to be happy to have some clients and some money coming in, instead of always wanting to be the best, the most well-know, the most successful. Maybe I’d be an utter idiot for not making the most these precious early years of M-Little’s life, given that I answer to no-one apart from my own overactive sense of Guilt and Duty.

So that’s my first, selfish reason for wanting an extra day a week with him.

The second reason is about the Bean himself. He currently goes to nursery Monday to Friday, from 9 AM to 4:30 PM. That’s 37.5 hours a week. I think that’s rather a lot for a 16-month-old. Too much: by Thursday afternoon he is TOAST. He is stroppy and tired and incapable of playing or even enjoy rooting around in the park.

I can’t help but wonder whether some down-time with his Mama would do him good. A day a week to potter about at home, go to the park or the pool on a nice day, curl up in bed with a cuddle and a video when it’s raining. Do what we loved most during my maternity leave last year: walk over to Daddy’s lab for an outdoor lunch and loads of attention from the colleagues. Then back to nursery on Friday for one more day, perhaps already feeling a little calmer before the weekend.
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Of course, when it comes to the Bean I’m not the sole Executive, rather it’s very much a Joint Management sort of project. Unusually for us though, M-Big and I don’t see eye to eye on this. He says that M-Little loves his nursery, that we can’t provide the same amount of stimulation at home. I agree with him completely. The fact that he runs to get him shoes at the mere mention of his teacher’s name says as much. I know that we can’t give him the toys, the friends, the fun, the big garden here in our tiny flat. I’m just not sure he needs all that five days a week.

So we’ve agreed to disagree, in the sense that we’re both happy for me to give it a go. If it doesn’t work out, if the Bean really is bored to tears or if I end up completely stressed and losing clients due to my reduced hours, we can just go back to the five days a week.

So the Executive Decision is made. I shall report back in due course…

March 2015 update:

It's been almost a year since I made my Executive Decision, so I thought it was about time to report back... and I'm pleased to say it was the right decision. We talked to the nursery and settled on Wednesday as the Bean's day off.  We also kept things flexible: if I'm swamped with work or full of cold, or if there are already a lot of holidays in the month, I send him in. 

Otherwise, Wednesday is Bean Day. Pyjamas until noon day, pizza for lunch day, park in the afternoon with the bestie day. Sometimes we go to see Daddy, sometimes we're too lazy to get off the sofa. Sometimes there's playdough or painting or threading, and quite often the house looks like a bomb's hit it by the end of the day. 

Sure, there are days when things don't go smoothly - I shall never forget the Wednesday of Doom, on which a teething Bean, steaming with pain and rage, got off his bike and ran into the road... The rest of my week is also more hectic as a result of these Bean Days, and any pretense of meal planning has gone out of the window. 

But most of the time I love these days. When he's awake I concentrate on nothing but him and his odd little games. Taking things at his pace means I never fail to learn something new about him. A word I didn't realise he was able to say, a skill I'd been too busy to notice he's mastered. When he's asleep, I don't feel the slightest urge to be "useful". Rather I doze with him, my arm curled around his chest and his fingers in my hair. Or I sit on the sofa and crochet in the middle of the day, without any guilt at all. 

They're good, Bean Days.

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20 Comments
Nicola Young link
5/21/2014 08:04:41 am

The first few years are so draining and you're trying to be everything for everyone. Striking a balance will take time but don't beat yourself up about it if you can help it. Each stage of your child's life goes so quickly that you'll probably find that your work and home life balance changes in line with it too.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:35:16 pm

I think you're right about work/life changing in line with M growing older too. He still needs so much from his parents right now, it seems impossible for anything else to take precedence over that. Despite it being hard to let the career girl in me go a little, I do want to prioritise him at this stage of his life. And I guess we will just reassess in a few years' time (when I'll probably be looking back at this period wistfully!).

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Philippa Hammond
5/21/2014 08:39:35 am

Thanks for this refreshingly honest post. I STILL find I am grappling with my childcare vs. business decisions on most days. If I'm honest, I never quite feel that I'm doing either well at all. I don't think I'm alone in feeling that way.

The only way of giving myself a break from trying to do both at full pelt is to most definitely designate these few years as a "period of ticking along". That doesn't mean I don't take my work very seriously - far from it. I still do as much CPD as I can; I continually strive to improve and when I am working, I am 100% focused on that.

However, I have had to accept that I won't be able to be at every conference or training event that catches my eye anymore. Like you, I found that my motivation waned massively after maternity leave - not immediately, but after a few months in. I still enjoyed the work, I just wanted to do no more than the work itself. I eventually put it down to my brain being pulled in too many different directions and just accepted it, for now.

I work 3-4 days per week - half days on Mondays and Wednesdays, full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I often catch up with my work during naps and evenings, but I dislike this intensely on busy work weeks as I would like to have more than a snippet of downtime before bed, plus there are many, many other chores I should be doing in that time. I'm also painfully aware that naps won't last forever!

The main problem I find, not being at my desk 5 days per week, is answering calls and emails - I still try my best to do this even when I'm not technically at my desk. But it's definitely tricky when you're also trying to look after a noisy toddler. I wince thinking about a phone call I took from a client while at a stupendously noisy indoor play centre one morning.

Some weeks it works well and I find the balance is right. Some weeks (this week) it doesn't, and I find I'm not totally dissatisfied with how the two aspects of my life are going. But, overall, I would say it's perfectly possible to work freelance less than 5 full days per week.

Good luck and let us know how it works out for you!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:42:45 pm

Thanks so much for your comment Philippa. I know you know where I'm coming from, and it means a lot that you're sharing your thoughts with me on this.

You're certainly not alone in feeling that you're not doing anything to your satisfaction. In fact I think this is the root of my frustration - everything ends up feeling a bit crap, a bit unfinished and imperfect. It did also hit a few months into going back to work. Perhaps we both had unrealistic expectations about what we could achieve in the time we have.

I imagine that finding a balance will continue to be a struggle, and that it will work better some weeks than others. One thing I do also believe is that working 3 or 4 days a week rather than 5 doesn't affect your ability to be a successful freelancer. As you say, I still give the jobs I do take on 100% on my attention. There are just fewer of them (although maybe it's not a bad thing to be a little pickier!).

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Seychellesmama link
5/21/2014 09:49:27 am

Ahh this is so exciting!! I agree with you I'm that little bean probably doesn't need that much stimulation 5 days a week and you saying that he's super tired by the end of the week seems to support this!! It's fantastic you're in a situation where you can test out whether or not this works for all of you! I look forward to updates :) xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:46:12 pm

Yes, we are very lucky to have the freedom to test this out! I know that many people don't have a choice in this at all, for many different reasons. It wasn't easy coming to this decision after all the work I put into my business, but now it's made I feel excited about it too :-) xxx

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Colette link
5/21/2014 09:56:29 am

Well done for being brave enough to realise & admit you're not happy & things aren't working for you. Well done for being brave enough to do something about it. I am quite sure you will love your new special day together x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:48:07 pm

Thank you so much for your comment lovely. Now that the decision is made I feel better. It may not end up being the right one, or it may (probably will) change over time, but I am looking forward to giving it a go and seeing how the Bean and I get on on our days off!

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Hurrah For Gin link
5/21/2014 03:19:05 pm

I totally agree with you - kids don't just need toys and stimulation, they need their mummies too! If it were me i wouldn't hesitate to grab more time with him xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:50:11 pm

Thank you my dear. I'm usually keen to avoid being overprotective, but I do think he needs his mummy too xxx

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Jenny link
5/21/2014 03:34:15 pm

well I hope it works out hunny. I think nursery is fantastic to learn social skills and keep them stimulated yes but time with family and especially mommy I think is so important too. I have my kids half home and half in nursery starting sept. Kids don't have to be stimulated every second of everyday or else they will rely on it and not know how to relax and independently play. It teaches them to rely on themselves a bit more and doing things on their own and be ok with it. I noticed a lot of the neighbor kids that go 5 days a week all day they have to have someone playing with them and being with them every second where as the others that go a little less are great at occupying themselves and being more independent. Anyone can argue both ways but glad you get to try it out and agree to disagree! Good luck hunny. Enjoy it too! ;) Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. #sahrewithme

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:54:18 pm

That's an interesting point. I'm sure you could argue it both ways but I have to say, M is not so great at keeping himself occupied! It could be down to other things as well (apparently his dad was rubbish at this as a child too!) but it'll be interesting to see. I'd just like him to learn to be happy at home every once in a while too. I used to have Wednesday afternoons at home until I was 11, and I remember loving the opportunity to play with my own toys, to watch tv, or to see my grandparents. It doesn't always have to be all go go go, does it.

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ghostwritermummy link
5/22/2014 08:52:20 am

I think you've made the right decision. I work from home too and have two of them with me 2 days a week, and the other one 4 days a week. Fridays are my 'cram everything in' days but I love it!
x x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:55:47 pm

Ha, I can imagine your Fridays must be just mad! I wonder whether it actually makes you more efficient though, and also a little more ruthless about what will and will not get done! x

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Merlinda Little (@pixiedusk) link
5/22/2014 11:06:16 am

Such a big decision that you just made but I support it. I am looking for work at the moment and sturggling to find help in childcare. But that doesnt mean I dont like the free time with my son cuz I do! I am actually a wee bit emotional about him starting primary school this September. Thanks for sharing this with us readers and I love your child petname. That is what we call my son too, my little bean then just Bean now =) #ShareWithMe

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
5/29/2014 02:58:55 pm

Gosh, I can imagine you're emotional about your son starting school soon! We really do have to make the most of these early years, don't we.
And yeah, Bean is a good name for a kid :-) When M was born he was so small, he looked like a kidney bean! And then the name just stuck.

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Louise link
3/30/2015 04:26:01 am

Oh how lovely to have that one day a week to completely focus on 'Bean Days' and sounds like it is working out very well for you and that Bean is enjoying it too :-)

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Sara (@mumturnedmom) link
3/30/2015 04:08:17 pm

My little girl starts preschool in September, and she'll be going four days so that we still have one day a week that's just for us :) I'm glad that your Executive Decision worked out so well x #sharethejoy

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Stephanie link
3/31/2015 02:02:33 am

Glad it's all worked out as you hoped, and I bet these days are the ones that'll feature most in his early memories too #sharethejoy

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Michelle Reeves (Bod for tea) link
4/3/2015 01:11:31 am

Oh sweetie this is such a wonderful post and update - I read your words with tears smarting my eyes for your resolution and the balance it's bringing you now. Good for you for stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. Thank you so much for sharing this at #sharethejoy this week x

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