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Moving to Sweden | Helping a child deal with a house move

7/9/2015

21 Comments

 
Not just a house move, in our case, but a country move: in a few weeks we’re leaving Italy to start all over again in Sweden. That distinction is important to us - hello manic packing! hello unfathomable bureaucracy! - but I’m not sure it matters all that much when you’re two.

Moving house means a big change, and big changes are hard to deal with when you’re still struggling with concepts such as time, space and distance. And also the idea of permanence: at nearly 2-and-a-half the Bean is often intensely worried that one of us leaving for a few hours, or sometimes a couple of days, means we will be gone forever. So a big change, then, which I think will throw up all sorts of questions and worries for him.
Do you need to prepare your child for a big change such as a house move? Find out how we're choosing to help our toddler deal with this.
There being a few more boxes around the flat than normal doesn’t seem to be bothering him that much (what does that say about my usual fabric/yarn/stuff hoarding habits…) and because our flat is rented furnished, he won’t have to deal with the sight of it being stripped bare. Still, before long his toys will have to be boxed up and sent, and the rest of the flat will need to be turned upside down and sorted before looking not very much like our home at all. I imagine that understanding the hows and whys of this will be hard for him.

Then there are the goodbyes. Over the last month or so M has become very attached to his friends. He gets tearful when they or we leave, and he asks about them when he’s not with them. I love this, this budding love and social awareness, but it also makes me concerned for him. We intend to move at the end of the school year to make it as natural a “break” as possible, but there will still come a point where he will ask when he can see his friends again, and I will have to say “I don’t know”.

Once we have moved we will all have to deal with a lack of familiarity: a strange language, foods, no friends, no cafés where the waiter knows what we want before we’ve even sat down. A lack of routine too (I’ve no idea when he will be able to start nursery in Sweden), which is so very important for giving little people a sense of security. I imagine he will feel disoriented, and that he will want to know when we are going “home”.

Helping a child deal with a house move

To give me a few ideas for helping the Bean (and ourselves!) deal with all this, I had a nose around the site Your Expat Child. This post in particular had some good tips, which I’ve adapted to suit the Bean’s age and have started putting into practice:

We’re openly talking to him about the upcoming move. There is a calendar in the living room that shows when we’re leaving so we talked him through that. We explained that a truck will come to pick up our boxes and drive them to Sweden (very exciting, this idea of a big truck full of boxes!). And then, because a serious sit-down conversation is a bit hard when you’re two, we have these (slightly surreal) little chats whenever the opportunity arises.

Me: Do you know where we’re going today, Bean?
Bean: Going in Sweden? Onna airplane!
Me: Mmm no that’s in August. Today we’re going to the park. That’ll be fun too. Can you put your jacket on please?
Bean: Yes it’s VEEERY WINDY in Sweden!
Me: Yes it is! We’re all going to need new jackets or we’ll die of hypothermia*!
The beach in Lomma, Sweden
*Okay I didn’t really say this, but after 5 Mediterranean winters I’m sure as hell thinking it.

Although we’re talking to him about moving, we’re trying to shield him from the practical (soul-destroying, seemingly never-ending) drudgery associated with it. Older kids might be able to help pack up their own toys, but when you’re two the point of a box is to tip it out and hide under it. So we only pack when he’s at nursery, and at the weekends we make sure we just do normal stuff. Go to the park, see friends. It forces us to take a break and step back from it all a little, which I’m sure protects him from all the stresses buzzing around in our heads too.

We’re having a much-needed holiday after we close this chapter in Italy and open a new one in Sweden. Two weeks of R&R with Mr P&P’s parents in the UK. Down-time, grandma & grandpa time. Time for crumpets and sleep and CBeebies. And then we pick ourselves up, and start afresh.

Once we’re there I intend to embrace the unknown and turn it into an adventure. It’ll still be summery and light (right??), which I want to make the most of while Mr P&P is at work. I’ll take Bean to the park or to the beach, we’ll discover new favourite cafés and make our own routines.
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Although packing up is dull as dishwater, not long after we arrive there will be no less than 15 boxes to tip out! So I intend to involve him in the fun stuff and let him help me decide where to put each item. We’ll also get a new bed for him, which he’s excited about already. New bikes, new super-duper ultra-windproof jackets. It’ll be grand.

That said, I’m sure there will also be tough days and so we’ll need to show sensitivity. Lots of people have commented that “kids are adaptable”, which they may well be, but I’m convinced it wouldn’t do to dismiss any feelings of homesickness for Milan, of missing his friends. We all have bad days, so when he has his I want to make sure he feels listened to, at least. And I fully intend to embrace the duvet+film+chocolate combo, the cure-of-all-expat-ills, when the need arises.

I’m also trying to figure out how to have little care/welcome packs for each of us sent to the new flat by the time we arrive. Just a little parcel each with a few happy-makers, a few treats. For the Bean, a new book, a funky pair of PJs, a fun toy. For Mr P&P it’ll definitely have to be something chocolate or coffee-related, though probably best to play safe and go for both. For me, a pretty mug, tea, a few balls of new yarn. Something lovely and kind, something to distract us from the strangeness around us. A little detail that may seem insignificant but which I hope will put a little extra spring in our steps.

Finally, although this post might suggest otherwise I’m trying not to overthink things. Or at least not to overthink on his behalf. This wonderfully sensitive post by Sara at Mum Turned Mom made me realise that kids are more likely to see adventure where we see challenges, and that I shouldn’t project my worries onto him. I’m scared of being lonely and feeling disoriented, but if we’re to make our new house feel like a home, our new life feel like it was always meant to be just so, I will need to let go of those fears and keep my heart and mind wide-open. After all, isn’t that how I want him to grow up to be always?
Have you moved house with a young child? Whether it was abroad or down the road, I'd love to hear about your experience and any tips you might have for helping our toddler deal with this change!

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21 Comments
thaliakr link
7/9/2015 06:09:44 am

This is lovely! What a well thought through and compassionate post - and process.

My comfort in our peripatetic life has been that for my little ones, home is primarily 'where Mama and Dada are' - and I think this has been helped a lot by us co-sleeping.

All the best for the move!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:41:33 am

Thanks Thalia! Co-sleeping has featured whenever little M has needed it, which at the moment is quite a lot. It definitely does help!

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Clara link
7/9/2015 06:28:21 am

We've moved 1) with a 7 month old and two year old; 2) a few months later so a 10 month old and 3 year old; 3) a one year old and a nearly 4 year old; 4) a three year old and a five year old. This time they will be 7 and 9 and while the physical side of moving is a lot easier (although I agree still as dull as dishwater!), emotionally it is a whole new ballgame. This time I think they really will miss their friends and their home, as well as their cousins and grandparents. All the other times I think it's just sort of washed over them - the excitement of the adventure (from the flight to the pools, the snow to starting a new school) has always helped overcome any sadness. I will let you know in a few weeks time how it goes this time! Good luck with your move, it's so comforting to know we're not the only ones going through it...

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:44:17 am

I know, I've been thinking of you a lot lately. I can imagine older children dwell on all the changes much more than little ones. I am expecting some outbursts from M, but he's really too young to miss his friends for long. Good luck with it all to you too xxx

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Ersatz Expat link
7/9/2015 09:02:44 am

Moving is tough on kids - I remember all the moves we made as children 8 moves in my first 10 years three of them international. They were unsettling. I used to get a nervous stomach ache and I still feel sick when we move.

With parents like you, however, your little boy will be just fine, your care and compassion for him shine through. OUr children were 2 and 4 for their first international move and managed ok emotionally, the move last year (5 and7) and again this year (6&8) have been much tougher.

I can't remember who told me but when my father in law died someone said that children grieve very differently to adults - its like jumping in puddles, when they grieve it is all they can think about but when they are not it has no impact on them - their feet are dry not wet. I saw this process with the children during our first move with them, they were either fine or they were not with no shades of grey (those have started to appear in these later moves). Your boy will probably have times when he is sad but many more times when he loves and relishes his new life. Good luck with everything.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:47:43 am

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I think whoever said this to you was absolutely right - I've noticed that at 2.5 years old most things are totally black and white to the Bean. The times he is sad or angry are very intense and overwhelming (to both of us!) but he does get over these feeling completely and quickly. It's interesting to hear it put the way you did and I'm sure I'll be thinking of your comment a lot in the coming months!

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Sara | mumturnedmom link
7/9/2015 12:45:43 pm

First of all, thank you so much for the kind mention. Secondly, this is such a beautifully thoughtful post, your little boy is going to feel so loved and secure through this move, he will be fine. I don't doubt that there will be tough days for all of you, but I absolutely believe that keeping your heart and mind open, as you say, is the best thing you can do for all of you. As others have said, it gets harder as they get older (as we know, being older!), but at his age so much will simply be an adventure. And, the movie+chocolate days are just what you need for the times that don't feel much like an adventure x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:53:06 am

You're welcome Sara, I loved your post x

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Phoebe @ Lou Messugo link
7/9/2015 01:03:08 pm

I think Clara and Ersatz Expat have pretty much covered what I wanted to say and they really are the experts. We moved when our kids were 22 months and nearly 8 years old. The little one took it all in his stride but the big one cried the whole journey (12 hour drive!) Little ones see it as an adventure and I'm sure he'll be fine, especially as you are so aware of his needs. Kids are amazingly resilient and adaptable, much more so than most adults I find.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:54:56 am

Oh your poor son! And poor you having to deal with so many tears! I was the same when I moved age 11 though. Even though I can't not worry about my little one (it's too much in my nature to!) I am realising from everyone's comments that it could all be much harder x

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Carole @ExpatChild link
7/9/2015 01:07:45 pm

Thanks for linking to my site :-) I'm glad you found it helpful and hope others do too. Good luck with your transtition!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:55:33 am

Thanks Carole!

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Laura link
7/9/2015 11:20:57 pm

Love this! Moving is tough with a little one for sure. Like you we moved into a furnished apartment which was nice but it was several weeks before Z's toys arrived and until then it didn't really feel like home to him.
Sounds like you have great ideas on how to make it an easy transition.
Thanks!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:56:50 am

I think the lack of toys will be a sticking point for M too - I plan to get him out of the house as much as possible to distract him until they arrive !

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Seychellesmama link
7/10/2015 04:06:34 am

Oh my goodness it's getting so so close now Eline! I'm so excited for you guys, I can't wait to keep up with how you're getting on!
I LOVE the idea of sending little care packages to yourselves, I think it's important to make sure you've got something for yourself too!!
It's great that little bean is sounding excited about the move, you're obviously doing a great job of preparing him!!
Thanks for always joining in with #myexpatfamily I always love keeping up with your gorgeous family :) xx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 02:58:01 am

Who doesn't love a nice care package (or an excuse to shop!), eh! :-)

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Jen @ 4,128 miles link
7/10/2015 05:53:40 am

Gosh a big move! That is so exciting and scary at the same time. You are doing completely the right things, preparing Bean for the move. I am confident that he will be absolutely fine and will take it all in his stride, but plenty of preparation and kindness is bound to help.
We're in the midst of potty training at the moment. A friend is too and has recently moved house (just higher up the hill), here in the BVI. Potty training has gone mad for her. I suppose our little people show stress in a variety of ways.
Good luck and looking forward to hearing more about your big move!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/13/2015 03:01:43 am

Oh I can imagine a move would play havoc with potty training. Her little one probably decided she had enough to deal with already! M has been potty-trained for a while so I'm hoping that won't be an issue, but we've noticed he's become very attached to his dummy again. We'd pretty much weaned him off it, but as soon as all this relocation business started he went right back to it! He clearly is in need of a little comfort and security, and I don't think there's much we'll be able to do about it.

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Sarah link
7/13/2015 06:20:18 am

It must be a big upheaval for all of you - not only moving but a new country and a new language too. It sounds like you're doing a great job of preparing the Bean though and like everyone says I'm sure there will be some difficult days ahead but lots of adventure too. I am full of admiration for you though - we're thinking of moving back to England from Scotland some time in the next 12 months and the thought of it terrifies me, I don't even know where to start and that's just a move down the road in the grand scheme of things!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
7/15/2015 06:30:00 am

A move is still a move and it's always stressful! Good luck with your decision x

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Karen @ TalesofaTwinMum link
9/12/2015 09:54:19 am

Ah I love that pic with the box! I have one of Eva hiding in a suitcase from our last move - priceless and perfect to pull out at weddings! Moving to another country is hard and with young kids it makes it so much harder. Although the bonus is it also gives you a great way to meet people too. Best of luck with everything and I hope you feel settled again really soon. xx

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