2. No piece of food must go past your lips until it’s been squeezed, mashed, squished or otherwise body-slammed into your tray. For extra points, fling it right off said tray. THEN maybe you can taste the next piece that will inevitably come your way.
3. When no one is looking, every socket, cable, switch or other wobbly-sticky-out thing is fair game. Scream blue murder when they spot your shenanigans and tell you off.
4. Reading the same story fifteen times over never did anyone any harm, so demand that those big people do it. They’ll thank you for it later.
5. Who the heck wants a woolly itchy hot thing on their head? Refuse to put on any sort of hat unless the putting-on process is accompanied by song, dance and dummy-shaped bribes.
6. Socks are for wusses, unless they have grippy bits on the bottom, in which case they should be given a good chew.
7. Sharing is where it’s at. As in: mummy and daddy must learn to share nicely. Share their computer. Share their cutlery. Share their pot of yoghurt and never mind that you turn it upside down when you finally get it.
8. Resist the changing table at all costs. It is the devil’s invention and nothing should convince you otherwise.
9. Nothing qualifies as a decent toy unless it can be BANGED on the floor. Which basically means anything goes, especially the contents of the kitchen cupboard.
10. The most interesting things are always out of reach. This is very annoying and unfair, and you must not rest until this injustice has been addressed. Ear-splitting screaming or incessant whining until you get a lift up should do the trick.
11. Love life, tangerines, and pink plastic spoons with abandon.