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International Women's Day: Raising a boy in a sexist world

3/21/2014

14 Comments

 
Yep, a boy. I have one of those, a 14-month-old tyke who’s currently obsessed with animals and tractors, who climbs the sofa, and tries to eat daisies. How do I raise that gorgeously innocent boy in our sexist and unequal society?

The feminist in me would have known exactly what to do with a girl. I’d have banned the princesses and taken her to science museums. I’d have bought her every colour other than pink. I’d have explained that she could be anything she wanted, that she didn’t need to be pretty to be valued, that she had a right to speak her mind AND be heard.


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I would also have had to prepare her for life as woman in a world that values men and ‘male’ characteristics: dominance, detachment, physical strength. I’d have had to accept the fact that, like me, she would probably learn to always be on her guard, to always worry about her safety, to feel she couldn’t do certain things. Like me, she’d encounter misogyny in all areas of life (and if you think I’m exaggerating, go read The Everyday Sexism Project. I could add at least 10 entries off the top of my head, though fortunately none of serious abuse).

I’m certain that I would have felt frustrated at times, and worried about her continued exposure to pinkified toys, biased books, unrealistic magazine shoots and boobs masquerading as news. And that’s just the things in my own, relatively tame backyard. But at least I would have known what battles to pick. 

With my boy? I have no idea. And yet I do feel I need to formulate a battle-plan, partly because I don’t want him to become one of the men who thinks that cat-calling is okay (or worse, but I can't bear to think about that), and partly because boys and men also suffer in a sexist and unequal world. There is huge pressure on men to be stoical, successful, muscular, driven, wealthy, and so on. Many a conversation between myself and Mr P&P on shared childcare responsibilities has boiled down to him lamenting the fact that neither society-at-large nor many corporate environments support men who wish to prioritise their families in any way. We are ‘lucky’ in that, as an academic, his work schedule is fairly flexible and he managed to take 16 days paternity leave as opposed to the 3 that are usual in Italy…

And then there is the effect of everyday stereotypes on boys, that only girls are allowed to show emotion, to coo over animals and play parent, to cry whenever they like without being told to ‘man up’. Although I’m sure every parent thinks this about their child, M is a sensitive soul - he loves cuddles and kisses, hates being alone, and when he isn’t  trying to eat the daisies he will bring them over to his mummy one-by-one. It breaks my heart to think that he might grow up to think that he has to just ‘suck it up’ if he feels depressed, anxious, or lonely. 

So the feminist in me has decided to fight just as hard for my boy as I would have done for a daughter. Because to me, being a feminist isn’t really about hating pink and princesses (though I do), or encouraging girls to take up science (though we should). It’s about supporting not only One Billion Rising but also celebrating male feminists (they do exist) and giving men who don't feel like 'manning up' somewhere to go. It’s about fighting for equal opportunities for women AND better parental leave arrangements for men. It’s about teaching boys to believe in themselves, in their choices, and in their ability to stand up to social injustice of any kind. It’s just as much about instilling body confidence in boys as it is in girls. It’s about all of us standing up to prejudice, hatred and inequality because Inspiring Change in only half the population isn’t really much good. 

I’m still figuring out how I’m going to do all that when it’s at home, but do it I will. Do it WE will. 




I'm linking up this post to Lulastic and the Hippyshake's International Women's Day Blog Link Up. Grab a cuppa and head over there for a great collection of inspirational reads.










I'm also linking up with Twin Mummy and Daddy's Binky Linky for new bloggers.
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Binky Linky
14 Comments
Leah link
3/21/2014 02:20:18 pm

Wow this is a great post! I am due with my first in June and one of the main reasons I opted to not find out the gender was because I hope to not gender imprint (beyond what I know I will subconsciously do) the little one. Your post is so true- it's just as important when raising a boy even if it's not as obvious. Thanks for sharing #binkylinky

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2014 01:14:16 pm

That's interesting, I never thought of that as a reason not to find out the gender. I did find out, but I do remember walking into a kid's shop looking for gender-neutral clothes when I was still pregnant, and walking straight back out again because everything was either blue or pink. It just drives me nuts that it's all so limited and limiting! I think that's probably what started me off thinking about all this.

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Merlinda Little link
3/22/2014 01:53:06 am

I am also raising a boy who I want to have great respect not just of women but people. I hope I can instill this to him this early but I really don't know how =(

I also found out how lucky I am to grow up in a place where girls are treated the same way as boys. I took up Architecture (considered a boy course) but no one told me that I cant do it.

Every one is supportive and I am glad that they are.

I don't know why I am writing these things really. Your post made me think.

I enjoyed this blog entry, thought provoking.

#binkylinky

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2014 01:17:59 pm

Thank you for your lovely comment, Merlinda.

I really don't have all the answer either, but it's important that we all think about these things. So, in that sense, I feel my post has been successful to an extent :-)

How nice that you grew up where no-one batted an eyelid at you doing a 'boy' course. My dream was to do architecture, but I was somehow convinced that, compared to the boys, I wasn't good enough at maths. Sad isn't it. Though I later went back to uni to do maths and physics!

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mydaysni link
3/22/2014 10:08:55 am

I think this could start a hole debate around several issues, such as nature v nuture, stereotypes, equality etc etc. I think my plan with my boys is just to support them to be whatever and whoever they want to be, while encouraging them to be respectful of others! I plan to keep it simple! #binkylinky

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2014 01:20:00 pm

Simple sounds good! I think I'd like to take a similar path, in that I believe the most important thing I can do as M's mother is to support him in his choices regardless of whether they're typically seen as 'for boys' or not.

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lorna mai link
3/22/2014 05:21:09 pm

Reading this has reminded me of when I used to teach Nursery. Everything has to be 'pc'. We had to try and encourage the girls to use construction and the boys to write. We turned the writing area into Bob the Builder's office and the construction area into a princess palace. I'm not really a feminist but I can see your concerns. Interesting post! #binkylinky

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2014 01:24:36 pm

I rather like the sound of turning the writing area into Bob the Builder's office and the construction area into a princess palace! Why the hell not, eh.

I used to be a kindergarten teacher and I'm ashamed to admit I don't remember us ever giving much thought to things like this. Though I don't remember us trying to discourage the boys from playing with dolls either, or anything like that.

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Nikki Fraser link
3/24/2014 06:46:34 am

It's a great post but got me wondering. I just wanted to know what it means if your a woman who loves pink an princesses but also loves science an building etc such as me.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2014 01:29:20 pm

I guess it means you're a woman who loves pink and princesses but also loves science and building!

Part of my beef with sexism and gender stereotyping is that it deprives people of the opportunity to be multi-faceted. Which is ridiculous because we all are multi-faceted. I may not like pink or princesses, but I have a massive thing for fairies. And I also happen to love martial arts.

Until we achieve gender equality, we will always have women who worry that their choices are not 'feminine' enough and boys who worry about being called pansies.

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Katie Clark link
3/24/2014 07:55:16 am

Thanks for sharing this great post. I also have a son and want him to grow up in a world where opportunities are equal and where everyone is free to be themselves and not be restricted by what men and women "should" or "shouldn't" be like. To be honest though, I feel sorry for boys in today's world. I don't think they can do right for doing wrong - they're either accused of being misogynistic or too feminine. Equality means just that - everyone being equal and free to have their own thoughts and opinions.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/26/2014 07:10:34 am

I completely agree with you. Equality isn't just a women's issue, it affects everyone. I remember my husband once coming home very upset at a male colleague having ranted about how men who go home early to be with their families essentially leave others 'in the shit', and how they shouldn't be promoted. The pressure is just tremendous.

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Laurenne @ This Mummy link
3/25/2014 07:28:16 pm

Really, really, really, great post. So thought provoking - something I haven't thought much about with having two girls but I completely agree with everything you had said, and for all its worth I think with the values and intentions you have you'll raise a lovely man :) L x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/26/2014 07:09:56 am

Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Laurenne. I really appreciate it.

Funnily enough I hadn't given any of this much thought before I had M either, but that's the thing about parenting isn't it? It presents you with all these dilemmas and questions you never even knew existed. As I said I'm still working it all out, but I do hope you'll turn out to be correct and he'll grow up to be all sorts of lovely!

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