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Expat Life: On the Darkest Days

2/20/2015

19 Comments

 
On the darkest days an innocent misunderstanding cannot be laughed off, because it reminds you that you are the foreigner and you did not understand and they will always know things you don’t.

On the darkest days all decisions seem futile, from choosing a frame to go on the wall to picking a school for your child. Because what’s the point in making a permanent mark when you might be moving on in a matter of months?

On the darkest days no amount of chitchat with the friendly lady at the bakery or with the other mum from nursery makes up for not having someone you can just sit with in companionable silence, safe in the knowledge they’ve known you for so long you don’t need to speak.

On the darkest days your child asks to visit his grandparents, and you don’t know whether your heart can take having to say “no my love, we can’t” for the 20th time that week. 

On the darkest days you just want to eat the same foods, have the same habits, and drum to the same beat as everyone around you, despite having felt proud of your stinky tea with milk and your improbably early dinners the day before.

On the darkest days you feel unreasonably, disproportionately jealous of anyone who’s mum pops in to do the laundry or cook dinner on an ordinary weekday, despite knowing you’d never ask her to do these things even she you lived round the corner.

On the darkest days you ache for “home”, until you remember you've moved so many times the very concept has faded to something undefinable, and you ache even more.

On the darkest days you look at your partner and will them to be simultaneously strong and fragile: don’t crack because I won’t be able to cope if you do, but don’t be too tough because I need to know I’m not the only one hurting.

On the darkest days it’s not enough to remind yourself that this is a lifestyle choice that YOU made. Because you wonder whether you should have made it at all.

On the darkest days all you can do is take yourself to bed with chocolate and crochet, and hope that tomorrow you’ll wake up feeling ready for more adventure.

March Update: 
Okay, well I feel better for having gotten all that off my chest! And also for having received so many wonderful supportive responses - the blogging community never fails amaze me, so THANK YOU. 
Finally, I'm also pleased to say that while we're still dealing with the uncertainty that comes with temporary work contracts, we did get a place for the Bean at the school we wanted. This is good! If we do stay, at least we know he will be in a great place. And the rest will hopefully come together eventually :-)

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19 Comments
Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely link
2/20/2015 05:56:22 am

Oh, you poor, poor thing. I remember those days so well. Seven years in Switzerland and even towards the end, I still struggled with some of their ways and how I never really ever felt at home there. Chocolate and British (or American) TV shows did it for me, and texting friends about silly memories. Or making exciting plans. It's hard when you're stripped of everything familiar. I hope this feeling passes xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:26:41 am

Thank you so much for your kind words Rachel, I knew you would understand. Things are better again already (thank goodness for chocolate and youtube!) because these things do eventually pass, always. We're trying to plan some fun things for the next few months too, so hopefully these dark days will stay away for a while now x

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Donna link
2/20/2015 01:07:11 pm

I hope the dark days don't happen often - they sound like a lonely place. Hugs x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:30:52 am

Fortunately they don't! Thank you for your support Donna, it means a lot.

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Amanda link
2/22/2015 09:40:24 am

Gosh... When I was a teenager I thought it would be cool to live abroad. I did, after all, love languages and cultures! But then I spent 3 months living in Germany and another 3 months in Russia and began to have a glimpse into how much you can miss the simplest things and how big the smallest things can feel. I cannot imagine doing it now I have a child... We're looking to relocate to my hometown as already we feel too far from support (and we're still in the same county already!) So my hat goes off to you, and my heart comes to you on those darkest days, with hope that they are few and far between xx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:33:38 am

Thank you Amanda, I really appreciate your comment. Being so far from home is definitely not the easy option and we miss the support of family very badly, but fortunately there are lots of positives too. I feel much better this week, and able to remember those positives!

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Karen @TalesofaTwinMum link
2/23/2015 09:08:05 pm

Oh hun, it's so hard isn't it. I know exactly what you mean - we're still riding high at the moment but I know these feeling will come to me soon. Everyone has down days - even when you were back home you had them. They will pass. I hope the chocolate and crochet help. Sending hugs. xx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:36:44 am

Thanks so much for your support Karen, and you're right of course: the dark days did happen at home every now and again too, and they do pass. Fortunately the crochet and chocolate did wonders xx

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Carie link
2/24/2015 07:28:18 am

Oh my dear, those are definitely hard days hopefully the clouds will pass soon :)

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:37:31 am

Thank you Carie, things are looking brighter this week!

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Polly Mixtures link
2/26/2015 01:28:55 pm

Such a moving post which I can really identify with. I often try to remind myself that "the grass is always greener". Life really is what you make of it. While I miss many things about living in the UK, I know I'd miss a lot more about my lifestyle here if I were to leave.
On an entirely different subject, I have nominated you for a liebster award. It's just a bit of fun, but I hope you'll be enticed to join in. Just check out my latest blog post to find out more. I hope you're experiencing a brighter day. Thank you for such an honest post x

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
2/27/2015 03:38:50 am

Thank you so much for your support, and for nominating me! That's so sweet of you, it's really made my day xxx

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Spidermummy link
3/2/2015 12:53:46 pm

Oh Eline, that does sound like a dark day. You poor sausage, I am sending you a big fat hug, a cup of tea and a large slab of chocolate. I hope the feeling passes and you have a better week my love. The hard days make the good days feel even better xxx

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2015 04:52:16 am

You don't know how much your comment means to me, you lovely person you. The feeling has indeed passed, thankfully x

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Sara (@mumturnedmom) link
3/12/2015 06:54:10 am

Oh lovely, I can so completely understand. Those days are tough and I have had moments feeling each and every thing that you mention. I'm so pleased to see from the update that you got a place in the school that you wanted, I know you were worried about that and it must be such a relief. I often think that I can cope with pretty much anything thrown at me as long as the kids are okay xx #myexpatfamily

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2015 04:54:51 am

Oh I'm the same - we're actually thinking of moving again after all (it's never dull around here!) and 90% of my worries are centered around M and making sure that he's okay regardless of whether we stay or go. I'm sure all parents do that but it does seem very acute when you're abroad and feel like you have less of grip on things than you might do back home!

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Seychellesmama link
3/12/2015 11:24:27 pm

Aww Eline I don't know how I missed this post first time round :(
I'm crying real tears and have nodded along throughout reading this post. It's so awful when days like this come along and you're right there is nothing productive that can be done to make you feel better. I think it's so important to share posts like this because despite living in wonderful places there are times when being an expat (and I think especially a expat family) is heartbreakingly hard.
I'm so pleased to read that the bean got a place in the school you wanted that's fantastic news.
It's funny how deciding whether to hang a picture or not can being up so many emotions but I think that it's such a poignant thing!!!!
Absolutely love love love this post thank you so much for sharing it with #myexpatfamily I hope you're feeling a bit brighter now lovely lady!!!

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2015 04:57:19 am

Aw love I didn't mean to make anyone cry! But I agree that it's important to talk about all aspects of life abroad, warts and all. That said, things are indeed brighter now and I am managing to focus on the future with a positive attitude again! xx

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Ersatz Expat link
3/13/2015 03:31:08 pm

I hope you do feel better soon, the stress of uncertainty is awful. Great news about the school though.

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