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A new Big Boy bedtime routine

3/4/2015

8 Comments

 
We’ve had a relatively fixed bedtime routine since M was about 2 months old, consisting of all the classics: bath, book, boob/bottle, bed. One thing we have never bothered with, however, is sleep training. The idea of it seems laughable to me: why “train” your baby to do something when they change at a rate of knots and are certain to throw curveballs at you every couple of months anyway? But each to their own.

So while our bedtime routine has been set for the last two years, we have seen huge variations in M’s bedtime behaviour. There was a time he fell asleep at 7 PM, and then for a while it was 9 PM. There was about a 6-month period where we had the “holy grail” of parenting: we put him in his cot and he conked out within minutes, by himself. But we’ve also had feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep, and then when he was about 15 months he suddenly HATED being confined and the bars of the cot had to come off. That helped, but it did start the Bedtime Dance. Then at some point this summer he decided he only wanted to sleep with me, in my bed. Which was fine, until…

He threw us the mother of all curve balls and the “bed” bit of the bedtime routine just went out of the window. It happened practically on the stroke of midnight on his second birthday, as if to prove to us he’d shaken off the very last bits of babyhood. He was suddenly a Big Boy. He’d scream to be let out of the room, he’d find whatever he could to play with, he’d roll around the bed for up to 90 minutes. It was awful. There was no sleep for him, lots of tears, no evening left for the grown-ups.

So we’ve had a bedtime overhaul: we let him decide when he wants to go to bed. That’s it.

Well not really, it was hard just agreeing to give that a go. We’ve always given M autonomy in as many areas of his life as possible and we have never liked forcing him into anything, but sleep? Precious, much-needed, please-don’t-mess-with-it SLEEP? When one report after another has appeared in the past couple of years warning parents to stick to a fixed, early bedtime or else…

But we decided to give him a chance, because he’s always risen to the occasion when we’ve given him more autonomy previously. Because he probably does know best when he’s tired. Because he’s at the age where if he wants to fight you about something, he will do so for hours and there’s not a thing you can do about it (pass out while playing? Not this child). Because people do simply go to bed at different times - I struggle to stay awake past 10 PM while Mr. P&P is a proper night owl - so who are we to dictate an arbitrary “bedtime” to him? And because we simply couldn’t think of anything else (we don’t do Cry-it-Out). 
Toddler lying on sofa
Note that he did NOT fall asleep on the sofa, even though he was quite ill!
So now what we do is this: He has a bath after dinner if he wants it. He has his milk, we brush our teeth, we put on our PJs, we read a few books all curled up together in the big bed. And then we turn off the light in the bedroom.

Usually he’s off the bed and back in the living room before you’ve had a chance to whisper “goodnight”. But that’s okay. Mr P&P have a cuddle and a chat (how novel!) and M plays by himself. For the first time ever, M is playing quietly by himself. We pop our heads round the door every now and then to make sure he is neither breaking the furniture nor himself.

Sometimes he’ll be back within 10 minutes, climb into bed with me and fall asleep. Sometimes he’ll be in and out a few times, do the “I want a drink/to go potty/another kiss from Daddy” dance.

Sometimes he fights. Hard. But that’s okay. I’ll go back into the living room and help Mr P&P with the tidying up. When that’s done MR P&P will sit down to do a bit more work, and I’ll park myself on the sofa with my latest project. The rule is this: if your name is Bean and you are not at all tired, nooo siree, then you can stay up and play. Quietly. By yourself. With one or two toys out at a time. Don’t want to tidy up your toy before you get another one out? You must need to go to bed. Don’t want to play by yourself? You must be tired. Swinging from the curtain rail or trying to run off with Mama’s yarn? It MUST be time for bed. 
Toddler yawning
Sure you're not tired, Beanface?
And so on some days we have an amicable but totally sleep-drunk toddler stumbling about for a while, until I go to bed myself and he comes with me. On others we have to step in because he’s clearly crossed the line and cart him off to bed in tears. Either way, he’ll fall asleep within 3.5 seconds.

It may not be ideal, this new bedtime routine, in the sense that he is still not falling asleep in his own bed or even by himself. It’s much, much less stressful though. All the fight has been taken out of it, and Mr P&P and I have some semblance of an evening again.

We also still have all the time in the world to get him used to falling asleep alone. He’s only just turned two, and going through huge changes (and sprouting more goddamn teeth). I’m in no hurry for him to get too big. 

Has your bedtime routine evolved over time? Have you tried letting your children put themselves to bed? Interestingly, a few days after we started this new routine, Karen from Tales of a Twin Mum shared this post about a family who do something similar. 

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8 Comments
Karen @Talesofatwinmum link
3/5/2015 02:09:54 am

Haha don't you just love the different sleep phases?! I'm writing this while standing outside E's room while she may or may not be going to sleep!! My 5yo boys get on really well with the flexible bedtime. They go to their room between 7 - 7.30pm, have a story and can play in their room for a while after. If they get very noisy or naughty I turn out their light, otherwise they either take themselves off to bed when they're ready or by 8.30 on a school night I go in and get them off to bed. When E is a little bit older we'll do the same for her but at the moment we're trying to keep up a fixed bedtime for her. It's hard work though!! Whatever works for you at the time is the right way forward! Good luck. And thanks for the mention. X

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2015 04:44:59 am

"Whatever works for you at the time" - yes that! I think this flexibility is right for us at the moment, and we've even had a few nights where M has fallen asleep in his bed rather than mine. Fingers crossed it stays that way. Until the next sleep phase, that is! x

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Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely link
3/6/2015 01:50:11 pm

Do you know, I think that every family just needs to find out what works for them. The little one's getting enough sleep and you're getting time for yourself, who else can say whether that's right or wrong? My problem has been the other way around ... my two go to bed like clockwork, 7pm on the dot. BUT, the mornings, well, that's like a free for all. I let them pile in with us or just give up and put the kettle on. I'm pretty zombie-like until 8am but hey, they're only little and we can force so many rules and routines on them, let's cut them some slack once in a while.

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Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork link
3/25/2015 04:50:09 am

That's the thing, isn't it. Mostly due to the fact that both my husband and I work, there are already so many areas in which M has to dance to our tune. It just wasn't worth the fight and, in any case, I really do think this is working better than what we had before. I know that doesn't mean we won't have to change tack again at some point (watch me have jinxed it all now), but we're okay for now. Although I have to admit I'm pretty zombie-like until 8am on most days anyway too!

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Amy
4/9/2015 12:53:20 pm

Our bedtime routine is remarkably siimlar. My kids re 8 and 4. I am a single parent and I like to go to bed early with my book. I need to wind down quietly. So I have attempted to get my kids to do the same to no avail. But I have noticed, especially with the older one, that he puts himself to bed when he is tired. On rare occasions it is before his actual "bedtime." I do look forward to my 4 year old turning 5. I think this is the magic age when they can manage teeth, lights etc independently. And they sleep through the night by that age too.
I don't admit all of this to most people who just think I am crazy!

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Eline P&P link
4/10/2015 04:02:44 am

Oh I don't talk about this with parents I see every day either (but blogging about it to hundreds of strangers is obviously fine...)! I think you have to figure out what works for you. My son does still need a lot of help to get to sleep but not forcing him to bend to a routine devised by us (or actually, the baby books) makes everything so much more pleasant for everyone. And we shall quietly carry on doing this regardless of what people say or think!

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Hayley
4/9/2015 06:05:40 pm

Omg. We've been doing this for pretty much our boys whole life (he's 20 months) after figuring out it was easier to go with the flow. He actually indicates to US when it's bedtime by finding me and pushing me off the couch and starts maniacally laughing when I turn on the white noise, grab a dummy (he likes to play with one in his hands as he drifts off) and start unbuttoning my top for a breastfeed

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Eline P&P link
4/10/2015 03:58:57 am

When I think about it, M has made it clear when he wants to go sleep since he was tiny too. I just never dared to hand over that kind of control to him because, well, you're bombarded with advice telling you not to!

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